Going to Bed Angry May Be Good For Your Relationship
Contrary to the conventional relationship wisdom, here's why going to bed angry at your partner may be better for the relationship. Don't underestimate the power of 'sleep[ing] on it'.
According to the populous notion, one should not go to bed angry with their partner, friend, relative etc. However, contrary to this conventional wisdom, sleeping on it may be better for the relationship. Before you reject this argument, ask yourself, ‘When was the last time I went to bed angry and woke up more angry?’
It is a common practice amid couples to not go to bed angry and instead of staying up longer than usual just to resolve an argument. What they fail to realise is that humans tend to feel more negatively and react more strongly to negative events when they are tired. Lack of sleep greatly aggravates conflict – studies between sleep and conflict have proven throughout the years that people are more likely to fight if they slept poorly the night before compared to nights when they slept well. So fighting late at night—when you should be sleeping—is a gateway to disaster. When you sleep on it, you can much more easily see your partner’s position and empathise.
When you’re unable to resolve a conflict at the moment, allow yourself to go to bed angry because remember that you’re ultimately on the same team, you want what’s best for each other and the relationship. This thought process will put the conflict in perspective and help you function together as a couple even when you feel distant or divided– something that would be unattainable between two exhausted, tired people fighting late at night. When in conflict, the heart rate elevates significantly, stress hormones increase leading to an inability to think rationally. You cannot have a meaningful conversation or attempt problem solving when your body is in this state. Those who recognise this must find a way to self-soothe. There are plenty of options to choose from, some people go for a walk, some take a shower, some meditate and some sleep. At this stage, it is evident that your anger has gotten the best of you and arguing repeatedly is useless and will not achieve anything so going to bed angry may, in fact, be your best strategy for psychological and emotional repair, especially if it’s late.
When you go to bed angry and wake up the next day, you may often ask yourself, ‘Was it really that deep, or was I just in need of some rest and space? This is because your conflict may have escalated unnecessarily if you were tired, hungry or stressed and sleep helps us have a more objective stance in any argument. It gives us time to process our often messy emotions.
Evaluation is key. When you’re caught up in an argument next, pause and evaluate the situation. If it’s late at night and closer to your bedtime, instead of staying up so that you don’t go to bed angry, try distracting yourself with something pleasant for a while to partially soothe yourself and then going to sleep and seeing if you are still as mad in the morning. If you’re hungry, take a break and get something to eat. If you are short on time, hit the pause button and return to the issue when you don’t feel so rushed. Being able to evaluate is a major key, it can help you avoid useless late-night arguments- a gateway to total collateral damage.
Fatigue, hunger, and stress may be the real culprits behind your fighting. Sleep provides a mental arrangement of things and emotions experienced or learned throughout the day, so it’s an even better time to allow for processing of these strong emotions. Sometimes you should go to bed angry because it can be the best thing for you and your relationship. It allows you to sort through your emotions and show up in a way you can feel proud of.
You can love better tomorrow, even if it’s difficult today. Remember, you don’t have to have it all figured out tonight. Sleep on it.
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